Edward, Meet the Tampon
by Xx-Fax to the Max-xX
Summary: This is my first FanFic. Here, Edward must go shopping for Bella when she cannot and discovers that tampons are on her shopping list. This is a definite sucky summary. Better story inside. Please R&R. Criticism welcome. T for older knowledge and language.
1. What the Hell?

Edward, Meet the Tampon

_Edward, Meet the Tampon_

**A/N: This is my first time writing a story so I would very much appreciate it if you guys would give this a shot. I can imagine this situation in my head. Now let's begin, shall we? Sorry if anyone read the first draft of the chapter, that was my mistake.**

**B Pov:**

"Edward?" I hesitated, not knowing if he was at my window or not. He said he would be here, but sometimes he was late.

"Yes, love?" To my relief and terror, Edward had already materialized beside me. Relief because he was here. Terror because of what I was about to ask him.

"I need to go take a shower right now, but I need to have some things ready to cook for Charlie. Could you run to the store for me and buy a few things? I'm sorry about this." I blushed, knowing that one of the things on the list I was about to give him contained a personal thing as well.

"Anything for you, Bella, but what are you sorry about?" he said with a chuckle. I handed him the list blushing even deeper as he took it.

"Alright, Bella, what's wrong? Did I say something? Wait, I didn't even say much. What's wrong?" He seemed genuinely confused.

"Nothing, nothing. I'm just waiting for you to leave so I can take a shower," I said, knowing that part of it was true.

"Ok. I'll be back in a bit. Bye, now," he said, kissing me on the forehead before he disappeared. I smiled. "Ok," I said too late.

Phew, I thought in relief. I'm glad Edward didn't say anything about the tampons.

**E Pov:**

After I left Bella to her shower, I arrived at the store as I read the list. It said:

Shopping List

Milk

Eggs

Oil

Toilet paper

Tampons

Garlic salt

Salt

Sugar

EW. Humans ate oil? How repulsive is that? I thought oil was for cars to run on, but I guess people run on it, too.

And toilet paper? How in the world of hell is ANYBODY supposed to eat that?? I mean I underst-

Wait a minute.

Dammit. This is where growing up as a vampire back then in the old days is bad. What is a tampon? Can you tell me?

Whatever. I looked at the store. It wasn't so big, so I couldn't get easily lost in it. I noticed other people pushing a thing around and putting their stuff into it, so I grabbed a wheelie thing and went in search of everything on the list.

Milk? Check.

Eggs? Check.

Salt? Check. (How are you supposed to eat that? It's so tiny and gritty. It looks terrible. It smells terrible. When no body was looking, I grabbed a handful and stuck it in my mouth. BLECH! I ran to the nearest water fountain at a seemingly human pace, spit it out, and took a gulp. Apparently, it tastes terrible, too.)

Sugar? Check. (Same with the salt, but having learned my lesson with the salt, I only sprinkled a tiny bit in my mouth, finding it very sweet. I still ran to the water fountain, because sweetness? Not very good.)

As I got everything, I noticed I hadn't gotten one last thing. A Tampon. Or tampons. Whichever, as long as I got it/them.

When I finally found the tampons (yes, it was plural because they are tiny), I looked on the box and saw that it showed you a picture of one.

Hm. It looks like a dog toy or something. Maybe a cat toy because of the string? Yeah, a cat toy. But wait. Bella doesn't have a cat. Does she? No, she doesn't. Weird.

I' m guessing this thing is for girls only because I found it under the feminine products. Also, I noticed a girl who stared at me with the box in my hands oddly, then picked one up and rushed the other way.

_Wow. What's a guy doing here? He's kinda hot….nah. David is WAY hotter. But then again….._

Hmph.

Well, I guess I'll get Bella to explain when I get back.

When I finally placed the little box in the cart, I wheeled it to the cash register that was open. The girl there eyed me and flirtatiously introduced herself.

_My god, that guy is so damn H-O-T HOT!! Omigod. He's coming towards me! Giggles Glad I'm single. I hope he is! Woah there, Abby, steady now. Act cool. Act. Cool._

I politely acknowledged her but gave a hint that I wasn't interested. After scanning the tampon box, she looked at me a little weirdly but attempted to smile seductively. Attempted. Heheh. Yeah.

_Weird. Usually a girl would buy tampons. Maybe it's for his mom or girlfriend or….wife. Damn! I hope he's not taken. Ask me out! Please! And please be buying these for your mom._

Now way was I going to ask that slut out. Her 'voice' was too snobby and nasal to my liking, and besides, Bella is the one I love.

_What? How could he not ask_ _ME? I'm Abigail Annette Aries!! Wait. I AM decent today, aren't I? OMG. GO FIND A MIRROR. QUICK!!_

Weird girl.

**A/N: Well. How interesting! I'm not really sure if this will end up being 2 or 3 chapters or something or maybe even longer. But anyways, I might post some more tomorrow or the day after or the day after that……it depends if you review……so if you want more, review! Open to all criticism. After all, this is my first fanfic. **


	2. Um What is it?

Bella

_Bella? What is this?_

**A/N: Hey guys! You know how I said I was going to post tomorrow or the day after or something? Well, I luv you guys so much cuz you guys REVIEWED!! –shriek- In case you haven't noticed, I'm the type of girl who gets excited at like 2 reviews. So imagine my excitement when I found I had 10!! EEEEKKK!!**

**Lol anyways let's start the story again.**

**Disclaimer: I didn't post this last time, so I would like to say this twice. 1. I don't own any of these characters in this chapter except for Abby and that weird girl who said David was hotter than Edward. NO ONE is hotter than Edward. Got it? 2. I don't own any of the characters. I just own this situation they're in. I also own their screen names.**

**Bella-BiteMePlz**

**Edward-MountainLion**

**B Pov:**

After that nice hot shower that relaxed my tense and knotted muscles, I gave Edward some time to come back by towel drying my hair.

When I came out, Edward was looking at me funny. I looked down to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything. All appropriate things were on. I sighed in relief.

"Edward?" I asked. "Why are you staring at me?"

"Because you sent me to get this little thingy," he held up an opened tampon, "and I have no idea why. Why do you want tampons, Bella? You don't have a cat! Or do you?"

I stared at him wordlessly. "E-e-ed-d-ward-d-d?" I managed to choke out.

"Yes, love?"

"What the hell does me owning a cat have to do with a tampon?" I asked, holding back a smile.

"Aha! So you do own a cat. Why did you hide it from me, Bella?" He looked a little tense.

"Eddie? I don't own a cat. Trust me. If I did, wouldn't you already have heard Charlie say it or the cat meowing?" I started to giggle a little bit.

"Oh." His face was wrinkled up.

"Do you even know what a tampon is, honey?" I started to snort a little from the attempts of keeping back the laughter. I felt kinda sorry for him. I mean, the man did look seriously confused. "And what's with the obsession of cats?"

"Well….." He stuttered.

"What?"

"Um. Ok fine. I thought it was a cat toy cuz of the little string attached to it. I mean, cats love string, right?"

I broke into a fit of hysterics. I'm glad he couldn't read my mind. But here's pretty much what I was thinking:

_AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!_

_AHAHAHA!! A MAN WHO HAS LIVED LIKE WHAT, 107 YRS DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A TAMPON IS?? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!_

Need I say more? It would have embarrassed him to death.

"GO EDWARD!! GO FIND ESME OR ROSALIE OR SOMETHING AND ASK THEM, KAY?" HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA……………. This could take awhile for me to stop…

"Okay…" And with that, he left.

**E Pov:**

I don't get it, I thought to myself as I ran to the house. What is so funny about a tampon being a cat toy? Don't cats love string? Hmph.

**A Pov: **

I just had a vision of Edward coming here. AHAHAHAHAHA!! I mean, I love my brother, but this was just too funny to let go. I gathered the whole family and made them wait for Edward to come back.

**E Pov:**

Well! I hope my family won't laugh at me. I hope.

When I arrived, I saw the whole family sitting in the living room with Alice grinning at me. Apparently, she had a vision and gathered them here.

I held up the thingy that I had started to get tired of. "So…….WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THINGY?" All the girls busted out laughing. Only Carlisle, Emmett, and Jasper seemed as confused as me.

_Well, I certainly don't blame Edward for asking that question. Is it a cat toy?-Jasper_

_Hey! I remember I saw some woman walk into the bathroom with one of those in her hand, at the mall I think. Geez, I hate it when Rosalie makes me go shopping with her? But then again it is nice to see her trying on lingerie……-Emmet the Sicko_

_Ew!-Carlisle_

Then the girls realized that I wasn't kidding and that Emmet, Jasper, and Esme didn't catch on. Then they laughed a last laugh, turned to the one they loved, and went to their rooms to have a talk that I'm assuming would be about the cotton ball thingy.

I sighed and went to my room and turned my computer on. I noticed Bella was online.

**BiteMePlz has logged on.**

**MountainLion has logged on.**

**BiteMePlz-** hey eddie how u doin?

She noticed I was on. Yes! Tampon asking time.

**MountainLion- **im fine but I still haven't been told wat a tampon is.

**BiteMePlz- **r u serious? Do u really wanna no?

**MountainLion- **YES and its driving me nuts!!

**BiteMePlz- **alright fine.

I was completely thrilled.

**MountainLion- **Yesshh!! Thx bella.

**BiteMePlz- **oh but im not goin to b telling u. one of ur sisters r

**MountainLion- **_**WHAT!?**_

**BiteMePlz- **Bye eddie I luv u c ya tmm morning

**MountainLion- **_**BELLA! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!!**_

1 second later:

**BiteMePlz has logged off.**

Ugh. This was not going to be easy.

**MoutainLion has logged off.**

**A/N: Lol did you guys like it? Well. If you did….then what're you waiting for?**

**REVIEW MY FAITHFUL PEOPLE! REVIEW!! I get inspired by my reviewers.**


	3. Ugh! STOP!

The Explanation

_The Explanation_

**A/N: OMG!! IM BACK!! And so soon, too! I just couldn't wait to write for you guys 'cuz you all just gave so many reviews and favorites and alerts and stuff so I decided to make more. I HART YOU GUYS!! This calls for invisible cookies to pass out to everyone. Aren't they yummy? **

**Disclaimer: I'm not Stephanie Meyer. She is a genius. I am an average. And morons are…..morons. I also don't own the songs in here. But the songs can be found on my profile page if you want them.**

**Bella-BiteMePlz**

**Alice-Shopaholic**

**This is probably the last scene in this story. Ready to read it? WELL THEN READ IT.**

**Previously on **_**Edward, Meet the Tampon: **_

_**BiteMePlz- **__Bye eddie I luv u c ya tmm morning_

_**MountainLion- **__**BELLA! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!!**_

_1 second later:_

_**BiteMePlz has logged off.**_

_Ugh. This was not going to be easy._

_**MoutainLion has logged off.**_

**B Pov:**

I hardly went to sleep last night, giggling so hard because of the knowledge that Edward didn't know and would soon find out.

Since he's not here……AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Ok, back to the story now.

I finally drifted to sleep when I was too tired from laughing so hard and long. I wonder how Jasper took it with all the laughter. Surely the girls laughed so hard they laughed their asses off.

**E Pov Next morning:**

_We're the kids, we're the kids, we're the kids of the future. We're the kids, we're the kids, we're the kids of the future. Standing on a dirty, old rooftop, down below the cars in the city go rushing by. I sit here alone and I wonder why. Come on Lewis, keep moving forward, hold your head up high__._ _-Alice (figures)_

_If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home, I said IF YOU AIN'T GOT NO MONEY TAKE YOUR BROKE ASS HOME!! G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yeah, G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, we flying first class, up in the sky, popping champayne……livin' the life…..-Jasper_

_Oh, I'm a gummi bear, yes I'm a gummi bear, oh I'm a yummy, jummy, funny, lucky, gummi bear. Oh, I'm a jolly bear, cause I'm a gummi bear. Oh, I'm a movin', groovin', jamming', singin' gummi bear. Oh yeah. Ba ba da dooby dooby yum yum. Ba bad a dooby dooby yum yum. Ba ba da dooby dooby yum yum. Three times you can bite meh, gummi, gummi, gummi, gummi, gummi bear__.-Emmett_

_Na na na na na na, na na na na na na, na na na na na na na na na na na na. Na na na na na na, na na na na na na, na na na na na na na na na na na na. If I was a rich girl, na na na na na na na na na na na na__ na na na. See, I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl. -Rosalie _

_Oh dear, I wonder If everyone is ok this morning, they're all grinning and stuff. Hmm……….-Esme_

_Wow, last night was…odd. Better block Edward. Wanna go for a ride? Sure, Ken! Well, forget it! I'm an ugly girl, my face makes you hurl. Sad I have it. I should bag it. Acne everywhere, unwanted facial hair. I'm a relation to Frankenstein's creation.-Carlisle_

Well, it seems like everyone is trying to block me today. I'll deal with them later.

**Later After School….**

**B Pov:**

I wonder if any of his family has told Edward about the tampon. I wonder if the other boys know what a tampon is. Carlisle should at least.

I've made up my mind. I'm going to tell Edward when we're in his car. Glad he can't read my thoughts.

**E Pov:**

As I walked Bella to my car, I sensed her blushing horribly. "What the hell?" I asked. She blushed even more scarlet, if that's possible.

When we got in, she asked, "Edward, are you really serious? You went through med school but you don't know what a tampon is?"

"I'm guessing this is life knowledge?" "Yeah," she stuttered a bit. "Edward, are you really sure you want to know? It's disturbing."

"YES I DO BELLA!" I practically screamed at her. She jumped a few feet.

"Ok, but remember, you have been warned."

"Ok, well. Edward? Do you know how girls have 'that time of month'?" I nodded and turned off the car. We were now at the front of her house.

"Well, the tampon…kinda……stops the bleeding. You know the hard thing?" I nodded again.

"Well, um, that hard thing is supposed to be inserted inside our…..vaginas."

My mouth hung open. Her whole body was red with embarrassment.

"And then….."

"STOP!" I interrupted. It was too disturbing. I would find out more when I was ready. "Stop, stop, STOP!"

"Ok, ok. But that wasn't even half of it."

What? Wasn't half? Wow, I was missing a lot of stuff here.

**A Pov:**

Vision: CUE THE FUZZY DAYDREAM CORNERS.

Bella and Edward sitting in car. Car stopped in front of Bella's house. Bella deep scarlet. Bella trying to tell Edward about tampons. Edward yells stop. Edward lets Bella out of car and drives home. Edward goes to his room and slams door. Vision ends: CUE THE FUZZY DAYDREAM BORDERS.

Weird, eh?

I went to my room and turned the computer on. Bella was on.

**BiteMePlz has logged on.**

**Shopaholic has logged on. **

**Shopaholic- **hey bells! Did ya tell Edward abt the girly products? I don't think hes ever had The Talk.-giggle-

**BiteMePlz- **yea, well he stopped me wen I wasn't finished yet. He seemed disgusted. I warned him!

**Shopaholic- **lol he always was stubborn.

**BiteMePlz-** lol well I gtg do some hw now. Cya tmm alice

**Shopaholic- **cya. Im gonna try and hav The Talk with him tonite. Lol

**BiteMePlz- **kk bye

**BiteMePlz has logged off.**

**Shopaholic has logged off.**


	4. Note

This is not a chapter

**This is not a chapter. But read. This is important.**

**A/N: Hey guys, I just realized I had put some minor problems in the story:**

**Mistake #1. In Chapter 1 I was supposed to put that Edward had started to walk away with the cart before the last thought of Abby that he had read.**

**Mistake #2. In Chapter 2, instead of **_**Then the girls realized that I wasn't kidding and that Emmett, Jasper, and Esme didn't catch on, **_**it was supposed to be **_**Then the girls realized that I wasn't kidding and that Emmett, Jasper, and **__**Carlisle**__** didn't catch on.**_

**Mistake #3. In Chapter 3, I accidentally put that that was the last chapter, did otherwise, then forgot to change it.**

**Sorry guys. **


	5. Sickos and Dingbats

The Talk

_The Talk……………………Dun………..Dun……….DUUUNNNNNNN…………………_

**A/N: Hey guys I luv you so much for reviewing! You rock! This calls for invisible ice cream. Of course, I would appreciate it even more if people who alerted and favorited these also reviewed. Please if you just alerted and favorited this story please review! I love getting reviews! I'm completely obsessed with reviews. Interesting……..**

**Thanks to Zodiacgirl14 for the idea of making Emmett tell The Talk with Alice. You get an invisible pie with an invisible scoop of ice cream on top! Invisible stuff is awesome.**

**Disclaimer: Still not mine. How sad. However, I do own the invisible ice cream. PAWS OFF THE IIC –Invisible Ice Cream-**

**Previously on **_**Edward, Meet the Tampon: **_

_**Shopaholic- **__hey bells! Did ya tell Edward abt the girly products? I don't think hes ever had The Talk.-giggle-_

_**BiteMePlz- **__yea, well he stopped me wen I wasn't finished yet. He seemed disgusted. I warned him!_

_**Shopaholic- **__lol he always was stubborn._

_**BiteMePlz-**__ lol well I gtg do some hw now. Cya tmm alice_

_**Shopaholic- **__cya. Im gonna try and hav The Talk with him tonite. Lol_

_**BiteMePlz- **__kk bye_

_**BiteMePlz has logged off.**_

_**Shopaholic has logged off.**_

**E Pov:**

Just as I settled down to listen to some comforting music on my bed, Alice rammed the door down. She looked less quirky and more serious than usual. Something was wrong. She could've at least knocked first and THEN rammed the door. What if I was doing something personal?

I took my headphones off and looked at her warily. "What, Alice?"

She shook her head. "Well, remember The Talk you had in the car with Bella?"

_Oh, Edward please don't get mad at me._

"Um." "Edward! Answer me!" Alice demanded.

_I swear, someday when he's alone….._

"Ok, fine. Yes, I remember. Why?"

"Well, because I needed to ask you. Have you EVER in your whole entire life ever had The Talk?"

"Well, no Alice. Wasn't that kinda obvious?"

_I just needed that confirmed, you dingbat. _

"How insulting. I'm not a dingbat……….Alice? What's a dingbat?" How can I not know so much stuff? I'm EDWARD!

_What an idiot. A dingbat can be a moron, like you, an idiot, like you, a weirdo, like you….a sl-_

"Alright! Enough explaining. So, has there been any fashion trends you would like to tell me about?"

"Well, yeah! DUH! I went shopping with Jasper and found the cutest little shoes! I mean, they match like everythi-Edward! Stop stalling! You know what I came here for."

_Sigh. _"Yeah, I know. Go ahead and spill it."

"Ready?" I nodded.

"Ok. Read my thoughts." I nodded a second time.

_Well, you know how we girls have 'That Time Of Month' right? We have two choices. We can either use a pad or a tampon to keep from the blood to stain our underwear. Usually we change them about 4 hours at a time. Pads are more comfortable, I think, as they just lay there taped in our underwear. They are easier for sleep. Tampons, however, are easier for sports. You know the hard thing covering the tampon? That's the package. Now, the tampon has a string attached so we can pull it out when we're done using them. How to insert a tamp-_

"Hey, guys. Watcha doin?"

Alice glared at him. "Emmett, you know very well what we are doing! I'm explaining how to insert a tampon."

Emmett scrunched his nose. "Bella hasn't told you?"

"No. She didn't want to." That was partly the truth.

"Oh, really? 'Cause basically what they do is shove it up their ass and then take the hard thing out and leave the cotton thing in. Ew, right? Then when they're done, they take it out and it's a bloody mess. It's like a giant nosebleed. Ew. I'm scarred for life."

"Yeah? Well, who do you think is scarred now?" I retorted.

"EMMETT! YOUR MAKING IT SOUND PAINFUL YOU DOOFUS! LEAVE!"

Emmett ignored Alice. "I think a pad sounds less painful. But if you don't change it, it'll stink. P.U. I don't wanna experience that."

"Emmett! IT ISN'T PAINFUL YOU MORON! And you very well know that Rosalie didn't tell it to you that way. Go. Away. Dingbat."

Emmett backed off. "Ok. Fine. Calm. Down. Alice."

After that, Alice left, too. I'm glad. How disturbing. Like…..ew.

I logged on my computer.

There was Bella.

**BiteMePlz has logged on.**

**MountainLion has logged on.**

**BiteMePlz- **hey edward how was teh talk?

**MountainLion- **how do u no abt teh talk?

**BiteMePlz-** alice told meh b4 she went 2 tell u

**MountainLion- **o

**MountainLion- **heheh

**MountainLion- **yeah

**BiteMePlz- **lol edward r u scarred? u no wat a tampon is now?

**MountainLion- **yeah I do

**BiteMePlz- **lol good cuz I mite hav that time of month coming up soon……

**MountainLion- **o joy

**BiteMePlz- **lighten up Edward it wont last that long

**MountainLion- **suree

**BiteMePlz- **eddie? u mad at me??

**MountainLion- **nah im just disturbed

**BiteMePlz- **ok well r u comin over tonite?

**MountainLion- **don't I always?

**BiteMePlz- **sure dingbat

**MountainLion- **ok how do girls automatically no wat dingbats are? and how do they no that term?

**BiteMePlz- **shut up edward. come soon. Luv u –smooch-

**MountainLion- **alrite then bye –smooch-

**BiteMePlz has logged off.**

**MountainLion has logged off.**

**A/N: I'm not sure if that was the end of the story. I've got writer's block if you want more. Fresh out of ideas. Yea I no, this chapter was long but not exactly all that funny. I tried to make it funny with the Emmett thing and dingbat so yea.**

**Review people! And if you don't know what to say, then type DINGBATS FOREVER! Alright? GO! Oh, and if you read this story and review, then you all get invisible ice cream on top of invisible pie alright? Also, If you read this story, you are a sicko and a dingbat. –cheers to sickos and dingbats- I'm a sicko and dingbat for coming up with the story anyways.**


	6. The End

_The End_

**Just in case you guys didn't know, that was the end. Lol yeah I know interesting way to end. Invisible soda for everyone!**


End file.
